the love of hate

how i so desperately want to hate you.

would it be easier if i did?

would i be able to shuffle my feelings of and towards you into a little box, never to be examined again?

would i be able to get you out of my head?

maybe its just easier for me to think of you in such extreme terms as love and hate. after all, it is these passionate things that i can taste the most.

it is almost as though my love for you overwhelms me at times. it crashes down over and through my defenses, ambushes my awareness and manipulates my being.

i guess what hurt me the most is the feeling that you were so easy to give up on us. it's not  blame thing, but rather the misunderstanding of how you can love me as i love you yet are so willing to walk away from us. why is it that you can't wait? what is it that demands that you cannot wait for me? i just don't get how you wanted me in your life even after i moved here, yet are unwilling to wait for me to return.

i deal with these things, i wrestle with these thoughts, and i do not search for answers from you. instead i have made my own monologue as to what is, what was, and what could have been.

am i approaching the end?

will i ever dream without you again?