before even a kiss

When I went to Paris the first time, before we kissed, I had already begun to fall for you. This was ever so evident as I was going through my pictures from my first trip. And as I was reminded, I had Thoughts about you in Paris from the beginning

ode from a heart on a bus

How my heart pulls at me. It has been but two days, and even the lack of a message from you tears away at me. It is both a reflection of my own neurosis and lack of ego, and how desperately I crave you. When I said you were my drug I meant it more genuinely than you could ever know.

Is it unreasonable to want you constantly? What if you are, consciously or subconsciously, keeping yourself from me. What if you're holding back because you don't want to be hurt again, because you don't know (fully believe) that I'm coming back for you? Maybe it's easier for you to hold back how you truly feel about me, how you desire and need the way I do. Perhaps you're protecting yourself, and maybe it won't be until I actually come back to you that you will trust me with your heart again.

That's ok. I will wait for you. I know you're scared about something as crazy as us, just like I am. It's ludicrous to think that passion and love like what we share actually exists. It does. I know it because I feel it.

I have to be honest with you Bonita... When I first began to fight for you back, part of me hoped that you would be the one to walk away. I was almost dependant upon it as I feared how I felt. I was scared that I might actually be faced with the decision if I was actually coming back for you, if I actually loved you like I said and thought I did. I was worried that once again I had encountered love that I was too scared to fully submit to, to completely surrender myself to. Through it all, the love was too strong, I cared about you too much.

I've given in. I can't simply think I love you, or feel that I love you, but know I do. I don't know if you and I will live to a hundred together. I don't know if I came back and we couldn't make us happen. What I have faith in is that we need to try. You and I are too good together.

I seem to often be telling you of how I will be back, I just can't tell you when. That's the God's honest truth. I won't come back to you without my life and career in hand. I am no good to you nor I if I come back without my life in order. What you also need to know is that I am actively working on getting back to you. I'm coming.

Many times before - since our split - I have asked you to share how you feel about me, that you still love me or that [to some extent] you still need me. Those are unfair things to ask you to share with me, and I am truly sorry for having asked those admissions of vulnerability from you. However, I do need to know that there is something still there. I need you to share at some level about what you think, where your head's at. Do you still want me? Are you scared of us? Or have you simply lost everything you once felt for me?

love never fails.

I love you Bonita.

at a loss with words flowing

what am I to do? Where do I hide when I cannot escape my own head, my own thoughts? I don't know why, but I am infatuated with you, addicted to you, enthralled by you.

I've spent the last four hours since being done with work in intermittent and constant contact with my phone. Each time I pick it up I hope to see a winking smile indicating that there's a text message waiting for me. And each time I am greeted only with your smile, a blatant reminder of why my phone is in hand.

I want to talk to you all the time. I want to hear your voice if only to make my heart swell yet again. Sometimes I seek not an interesting or amusing or funny story from you; sometimes I just want you to tell me something that's on your mind if only to feel like I am still a part of your life...

I know you either can't give me this, or simply don't want to. I know it because I can sense and feel and hear the pain you have. You want to hate me as desperately as I wish to dislike you; we both wish not to need each other.

Yet I need you, perhaps more now than ever. Spending even just a few precious hours with you Wednesday served as a quite harsh reminder that with you the world is right again.

I'm scared to need you the way I do. I'm scared to feel a love like this, one that consumes me, that envelopes my heart and soul, that empassions every breath. I think of how foolish it is to pine after you, to still cherish you, to always fight for you. I think of what I think my life needs, where I believe it to be going, and where I want it to be. And at the end of the day, I simply want to be coming home to you.

I've never felt anything like this, a passion so overwhelming that it makes me throw caution to the wind. But I know it in my heart of hearts. I feel a love for you that makes the world dull and dim without you.

I'm scared Bonita. I'm scared to foolishly and blindly follow my heart. And yet my heart, my gut, and my soul tell me simply of the happiness and joy I have with you.

I love you Bonita. My heart reminds me of it with every beat it thumps. I will fight the good fight just for the chance of you, of us.

There is nary a person I have met with a kinder soul, a better smile, a more genuine being, or a greater heart. You inspire me, you motivate me, you excite me, and you drive me wild.

My only hope is to make you feel as wonderful and amazing as you truly are.

finding my heart

Songs for a smiley kind of afternoon

So many times I have found that lately, or it feels like lately, I have been doing many blog posts to you that are highly musically oriented. I think it's because many times these songs have fond a way to touch my heart and soul. That's how I equate them to you; they touch me like you do. I have never had someone touch me in the personal and intimate way that music does. You are the music of my life.

I believe in the power of language. I believe that things as they are said have specific meanings and consequences. I also believe that I have been reckless with language and words in my life. I have expressed how my heart has fluttered for another. I have confessed how I needed another, how I wanted another, how I lusted after another, and how another has been so much to me. Never have I meant it, felt it, or known it before you. You inspire so much in me the it both amazes and scares me. I have never felt my heart so warm and strong; never has my heart been spoken to. You are more than my words can ever express, and yet I shall spend the breath of my soul wishing to find a way to tell you just how beautiful and wonderful you truly are.

You are my muse, my heart, my friend, my inspiration, my libido, my obsession, my drug, and my love. You are things I do not understand, things I cannot name, and things I did not know could actually exist. You are a clichee of love, a mystery, a passion. You are what I smile about.

So I don't really know what the woman is saying at the beginning of this video. And truthfully, it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. The guitar and the way it pours on makes me feel the way you do. Just the thought of you makes my words, my soul feel as though they are soaring through the air. You are my hear, my inspiration, my adoration, and my soul. For with you I can fly.

When I arrived in Chicago I headed downtown to the Loop. I figured I should be as close to Union Station as I could be so that when you could come to meet me we would have as much time together as possible. I also figured that I could stop into Sears and say hello to a few old friends while I waited for you. Ms Betty and Marcus have always been the reasons for my return to 1200, and since Marcus was no longer there, it was Ms Betty that my visit was centered around.

We talked about this and that; her asking me how New York was; me asking her about Sears and her son Alex. Ms Betty then asked me what it was like to return to Chicago. I could only reply that it felt like it did when I returned to Michigan from Chicago; it felt like coming home.

I don't have much in Chicago. In fact, all I really have is you. And even that I struggle for. Yet my heart is in Chicago, because my heart is wherever you are. Bonita, you need to do what's best for yourself and your son. And only your heart can tell you what that is. I just want you to know wherever that is, whatever that is, I will be there for you. Chicago, Florida, even to the moon; I'll be there. I love you Bonita.

Para mi Bonita

http://www.snapcuts.com/sc/10251

on my way to you

 

 

There's some meriposas in my belly

Really, really scared...

I work tomorrow morning at 515. It's a five hour shift, and with laundry and a trip to the dentist on my plate for the day my time from now until I leave for Chicago should be uneventful and pass quickly; the time since I've decided to come and now has flown by.

This surprises me. I thought that the time between when I decided to come see you and when I would actually be leaving/arriving would drag. I imagined that it would seem like time was merely crawling along as I am beyond excited to see you. I just assumed I would feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to arrive.

In fact, time is flying. And I'm scared to death.

What if I get to Chicago and I see you and it's weird? What happens if I get there and it's clear you know longer love me? What about if I don't even get to see you again?

There are so many possibilities that could occur on Wednesday, and seemingly so many of them could have detrimental consequences for me. I haven't felt this exposed and vulnerable in quite a long time, and quite simply it petrifies me.

So why am I coming to Chicago? Why am I putting myself so far out there and risking the health and well being of my heart? How clearly deranged must I be to get on a plane to fly back to where I just may be devastated once again?

It is only for you. I know there's a good change I'll be heartbroken again on Wednesday. But what if I'm not? Just the slim chance of seeing you smile, holding your hand and tasting your lips makes me come to you.

I'm scared Bonita. I'm scared to be hurt. But all that fear is worth it just to see you smile, just to smell you, just to feel you next to me.

Words of a song

Watch "Paul McCartney - Maybe I'm Amazed (Live)" on YouTube

Thoughts on a Wednesday for a Wednesday

I'm sitting here, finishing up my computer back ups, floating on cloud nine. To say that I am nervous and excited for next Wednesday is to make a grave understatement. I don't have any expectations Bonita; I only want to hold your hand

This post is quite scattered, as I am having trouble keeping anything but you in my mind. The following song I fell in love with quite unexpectedly, much the way I fell in love with you. I included this version as I am fascinated with the back story behind the song. It's funny how sometimes we don't intend for things to necessarily happen a certain way, they just do. I don't know what has brought me to here and now, I can only know that I love you/

The last song of this blog is a little out there. I discovered the song one day when searching some reggae artists my friends at work had recommended for me. The video came later. And though I was strangely attracted to this song, it was when I saw this video that I fell for it. Do something for me... Close your eyes and think about an animal. Any animal. That's what's called your power animal. Mine is an eagle. That may explain partially why I'm so into this video. Oh yeah, and add on the fact that I'm a part native - Inuit from my father's side. That's why I've got these almond shaped eyes of mine =)

Ok Bella.... That's all for tonight. I hope you had fun at the mall with Jenny, and that Anthony isn't crazy when you get home. Se you in a few minutes, mi amore...

I'm crazy... and about you

So you know I'm crazy. I mean, I'm crazy about you, but I'm also crazy like a fox, and crazy like the "coo coo" kind. It's a quite passionate and somewhat debilitating combination when it comes to you. I can't get you out of my system, my mind, my heart or my dreams.

It's why I don't call you Bonita. It's why I don't text you. It's why I use our blog - this blog - as my only connection to you, because ultimately I know that you can control whether you want to read my crazy or not. I don't have to force it upon you. 

I'm so into you Bonita. I don't want to be without you. I don't want to spend my days doing whatever it is if I don't get to come home at the end of it to you. You are my world, my heart, my everything. I only want to be able to wake up next to you in the morning.

And now....

"From port to port, for ever onward faring,
Ever more sad became the traveller."

How into you i am

I don't know exactly when it happened. But I know how much I fought it. I didn't want to like you. I didn't want to love you. I didn't want to want you. I didn't want to need you.
But I do.

How can i ever forget you?

The question keeps repeating itself in my head: what if I never get over you?
You haven't been my girlfriend for almost seven months now, and yet I am as enamoured as I ever have been with you. At first I thought I would be lucky,  I thought it would pass.  When I told you I would write to you until the day I die even I thought it would be something that we would both lose interest in. But here we are, me writing these words and you reading them.
Im sorry you are so often bombarded with my crazy, with my adoration, infatuation and need for you. But that's how it is. I love you Bonita. I can't swallow that. I can't ignore my heart when even the mention of your name sends it beating out of my chest.
So what do I do?