Driving without glasses

So I think it's the cutest thing in the whole wide world that you have trouble saying certain words. God's honest truth babe. It's why I called you when I was sitting with Sam (Neal's fiancee) and asked you to say squirrels. Now that we've added another word - swirl - it only makes you that much sweeter.

This was the song I was talking about. It's one of - if not the - most famous French singers of all time performing her most famous song. I was the song I listened to as we arrived in the Gare du Nord train station in Paris. She sings of with her life, in the good and the bad, that she doesn't regret anything. I think it's absolutely beautiful.

A little bit about my last couple of days... I got my driving permit! I feel like I'm 15 again, but it's just one step closer to getting my license back. The only sucky things are that I have to take a five hour course and a road test, and that I have to rent a cr for the road test. But aside from the time and money I can almost taste it, and it tastes good!

The bad news is that though my interview Thursday went really well and I was able to get my permit I got my second pair of glasses stolen, and from the library no less! It was drizzling out so I had taken my glasses off and set them down on the table next to me as they were wet. When I went to go grab my printed materials I returned to find them gone. So if you're keeping track at home that's BOTH pairs of glasses that I have now had stolen from me. I guess that just means it's time to get a new pair eh!

That's all for now. I hope you have a wonderful day (or night, depending on when you're reading this).

All my heart from afar mi Karensita...

A quick goodnight

Babe I'm sorry but this blog posting is going to be a rather short one as I am on my way to sleep. I just wanted to take the time to tell you that i love you and cherish when I can hear your voice. The way you get excited to tell me stories makes my day, it really does. It's just one of the many things I love about you.

I'll catch you up on more of my day tomorrow. and I leave you with the thought that my bed is never better than when you are in it with me. I love you so much babe.

A short and very long day

So I was waiting for UPS to deliver my driving record from the Michigan Secretary of State. I paid like 25 bucks to get it delivered over-night so that I had it for my interview tomorrow. When noon came around and UPS still hadn't come I started to get worried. I went down to get a bit of fresh air and discovered the note from UPS that they had tried to deliver this morning.

Four phone calls later I got a meeting point where I could meet up with the driver in my neighborhood. It was 1:06 and the driver was on his way to the address I was given to meet him. I ran out the door, down the street, and got there just before him.

By I got there just before him I mean that he arrived at 3:16!!!!

This was the face I wanted to greet him with...

but instead I thanked him and jogged home. I gathered my things for work tonight and hustled out the door. As I walked down Myrtle I saw the train coming and had to run - literally run - to catch it in time.

Panting, sweating, and angry at the world I made it onto the train. When I looked across the isle my whole day changed as I saw this couple sitting how we do on the train with her legs crossed over his.

The DMV went well, even though I still don't have a license. II got some dollar pizza and headed to the pier where the beach volleyball games were. They have a put-put course there that we totally have to do when you come visit next!

And that was my day. I shot some volleyball games, met an Indian girl named Sheets (?), and wobbled my sore behind home. Not too exciting, just a little to share...

I also got a chance to see a nurse's outfit that I would LOVE to see you in!

Until my next dream mi skirls...

It hurts because I love you

As I walked home from downtown this song started playing and I couldn't help but think of you. Bonita, I love you. There's nothing that can change that. I don't ever want you to forget that. I know this is tough. I know because I feel it too. I don't want to simply walk away from you; you are too important to me and too much apart of my heart. We can make it if we try babe.

There is no right and there is no wrong. There is simply the will to make it work or there's not. I'm not assessing fault, and I'm sorry if it came across as such. My motives are simply the want to be a bigger part of your life, and in turn for you to be a more active part of mine.

The last thing I wanted to leave you with today is some thing I came across that reminded me of you. I would have sent them to your phone as I usually do, but under the circumstances it didn't seem right. So I saved them for your blog.

I think you need to get a lawyer, because all over the place stores have taken your butt and body and put it on display. You should be getting compensation!

Speaking of your culo...

And just incase you sometimes forget...

I love you bella. I am confident that we can make it if we try...

The slipping away of rationality

I'm not really sure how to start this blog post off, so I guess anyplace is as good as another. For years I lived on this earth as a liar. In almost everything I did, in some way or another, I lied to not only those around me but also to myself. Sometimes it would be big lies, like when I lied to my family about school and concealed the fact that I had actually failed out. Other times it would be small lies, about brushing my teeth or what time I would be places. No matter what the lie or the deception was about, it was always the same; I was not a good person for many reasons, but most simply because I lived a life that was so full of deceit.

You texting me last night was not in and of itself odd; it seems that as of late that is how things exist between you and I - I text you sweet dreams and goodnight and either get a response hours later or none at all. But it was when you mentioned that Anthony had thrown your phone under the bed, and consequently that you didn't find it this morning, that my suspicions were planted. Since our "regular routine" has become that which text messages timed as they were last night is not unusual I initially thought nothing of it. But if you had lost your phone until this morning then how could you have texted me last night? And since as long as I have known you your phone has been locked with a password it seems highly unlikely that someone else would have texted me from your phone, especially to wish me a good night.

It enraged me even more when you explained that You had texted me "hi babe" while at the gym. When I asked you why you would have wished me a good night at 730 from the gym you simply replied that you were getting on the bus and would look into your phone to check it out. When we spoke again you explained that you did indeed text me hello while at the gym, but that there was no other message wishing me a good night. Since we have gotten off the phone with one another my mind has been racing as to possible reasons for the rogue text, but I cannot seem to come up with a logical answer. The only reasonable thing that I could see may have happened would be that your phone somehow resent a message that you had previously sent me. The only thing is that this too is not possible, as the spelling error in the message was one that struck me as odd, one that you had never made before - meaning that it couldn't have been a prior message resent.

This all may be crazy, a hug misunderstanding. And truly I hope it is. But it's just compounding the issues that I am currently embattled with concerning you. It seems like it is fast becoming a one way street in terms of involvement in each other's lives. Increasingly does it seem like messages go unanswered, pictures go without response. How is it that we are seemingly in the middle of a text conversation and suddenly you disappear? I get that life happens, that maybe you get busy at work or your phone dies or whatever. What bothers me is that hours later you text me anew as though I had sent you nothing. Yesterday this happened twice. Again, maybe it's that you aren't receiving my messages, and if that's the case then I'm saddened that errors in technology are driving these negative feelings. Sadly, I don't think this is the case.

I posted a video for you on google, one that is not necessarily one that I want floating out on the internet somewhere. I wanted to share myself with you, especially since you were forced to throw away the things I've given you. And even though I shared this information with you, both that I posted something for you and that it was something that I really want to make sure went to you, you have yet to confirm with me that it did get sent to you properly. I am led to believe that you have yet to check it. When I asked you about this yesterday you simply didn't respond, nor did you respond to when I told you that we were talking about you, or to the picture of Ro cutting my hair. I don't need feedback on everything that I do or send to you, but it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge that I am involving you as I am.

A couple days ago, after I posted a blog entry to this blog, it returned me back to my "dashboard" as it usually does. But on that day I noticed a string of zeros next to my blog posts. There were two rows, one with an envelope on top of it and another with some sort of box and squiggly line. Initially I couldn't figure out what they were. it wasn't until I hovered over them with my mouse that it explained. One row was for comments left on each blog post, the other was for times that each blog post had been viewed.

"That can't be right," I thought to myself, "she's for sure read the first two that I posted as she even commented to me on it." And then I scrolled down. Next to the first post it showed a view count of "1", next to the second blog post it showed a view count of "2", while the rest of them all boasted zeros.

As I thought about it I realized that you haven't since mentioned anything that I've posted for you to the blog. I don't want to believe that you haven't taken the time to catch up on my life, but in my heart of hearts I fear this may be the reality. What sweet irony that I pen all of these things out to you and you may not even be reading them.

I don't want to have another conversation with you about involving me in your life. I don't want to have it because I fear that you will again take it as a personal attach rather than my attempt to talk about something that's an issue with me.

Relationships, or at least the best ones, are about give and take, about sacrifice and compromise. I know that you have been essentially forced to sacrifice for our relationship because I chose to move away. And I will never forget that. But please remember that I sacrifice in this way too, It's just as hard for me not to have you as a more regular part of my life. And that's one of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I want you to be as big of a part of my life as you can be. It's why I send you pictures of the random things in my life. But why is it that you cannot reciprocate this kind of effort? I'm not asking you to involve me in the same ways in which I try to involve you. But babe, please try.

You can't skype with me or receive packages or mail from me because of your living situation. You can't come to visit often because of your life and jobs, both as mother and nurse. You can't join me at my cousin's wedding and meet 10 of the most important people in my life all at once. These things and others I don't don't just get, but I also accept as part of the package. Yeah, they suck, but it's part of the deal. And that deal is to have you in my life, and for that I would trade so much more. But what hurts is that I don't feel the effort on your part. You cannot tell me that in a week of 168 hours you don't have time to take a picture or two of whatever you're doing without solicitation. I'm frustrated with this feeling that I am putting forth the majority of effort.

You once told me that sometimes you forget to text me when you wake up or before you go to sleep. Maybe that's the problem. I don't have to remember to do these things because you're the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing in my head before I go to sleep.

Bonita, I love you to tears, and I just don't know how else to tell you. I didn't write all of this because I wanted to make you feel bad. I am telling you all of this because it's things that are going on in my head. I really do hope that the phone thing is a crazy technical error. I hope that when my messages go without response that they were simply never delivered. I hope that the view count on blogger is inaccurate. But even as I type these things my heart worries that they aren't all the case. What worries me most is that you simply don't care enough to follow up with me, or that I am just not that big of a priority to you.

I don't know what else to say. Call me and tell me I'm crazy. Text me that you love me and that it's just my imagination.

I tried to leave you in Chicago, and my heart wouldn't let me. We decided together that somehow, some way we would make this work. Bonita, I didn't want to let you in this deep, but I couldn't help it. And now that you are I need you, my heart needs you. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

I love you bonita.

Just a quick song and a video

Tonight I'm fading much quicker than I have been, most likely from the intense amount of walking and obscenely early hour (7!) in which I woke. So tonight I offer you a song that's been stuck in my head - and it happens to have a cool video too!

I'll tell you all about my adventurous day in tomorrow's edition...

All my love from the 212...

Mi cachoda novia

It's funny that you told me how you haven't been horny in a while because of work and fatigue. I mean, I don't think it's actually humorous, but just that it is something along the lines of what I was thinking about the other day.

I think part of what makes being in a relationship with you so difficult is that we don't have the physical contact that most couples do. We cannot share the non-verbal moments with each other, a soothing kiss after a long day, or even a touch just because. I have chemistry with you unlike that which I've never experienced before, a chemistry that only helps to inspire the intimacy that you and I share. I think there's no doubt to the fact that you and I bring the freak out of one another. Bonita, being with you turns me into a wild animal, and I wouldn't have it any other wy.

But therein lies the problem, or at least one of the big ones. I'm not close to you, nor are you close to me. When I'm sick you can't come over to take care of me. When you're down I can't hold you to pick you up. And though Our chemistry together is unchanged by the distance, it is still something that we cannot share together on a regular basis. That's what makes it really hard. We have to work harder to be together, and that's where I struggle.

I started this blog because I realized that I wasn't making enough effort to involve you in my life. Though reding my words and seeing my pictures isn't the same as being here with me, it at least gives you a little bit of an insight into the little bullshit that happens in my day. And I guess I just want more of that from you mi amore. It's not that you aren't doing enough, but just rather that my infatuation with you makes me want more from your life. I love when you send me pictures, of a bloody finger, naughty ones, of your scrubs, of Anthony playing on a train. They're all great because they're not only all part of you but they're a part of what the going ons are of your daily life. It's the stupid little stuff that I really thirst for more of.

I don't mean to be a broken record Bella. It's just tough sometimes for me because I feel like I am the one to wish goodnight to someone who many of the times isn't there (like you're already sleeping or your phone's dead or whatever) and that I'm the one who wishes you good morning first. They aren't bad things, but it's just tough because it makes me sometimes feel that if I weren't the one doing these things that they simply wouldn't happen. Today is a perfect example. After wishing each other good morning we both left it at that. When I texted you  few hours later to see how work and your day was you asked me why I wasn't texting you. I don't like having the responsibility of having to drive the conversation. It would be one thing if you had asked me something and I didn't respond. But beta, I just really didn't have anything to say this morning. It was one of those groggy lazy hazy Sundays. I just don't want you to think that because I'm not texting as I normally would that something's up. Take the initiative! Since you wanted to talk to me and tell me things you should have! Don't wait for an invitation mi amore. I ALWAYS want to hear what it is that you have to tell me. =)

The bottom line is this mi skirls: I am here, and you are there. It sucks, and if there's blame to be had it clearly falls on my shoulders. When you became mi novia it was under these circumstances. We just have to work hard to do the little things to keep close in each other's lives. I hope that this blog is helping you get a taste of mine. And if there's other ways in which I can be more accessible to you I hope you tell me. I just want you to share more with me. Maybe not via phone call or skype. But send me pictures, or songs, or videos, or whatever. I love you bonita and I simply can't get enough of you. It's what drives me to want more. I know that you're life has a lot more structure and responsibilities than mine currently does, and so I understand that you can't as easily dedicate the time and energy to me as I can to you. But we both have to try our bests. I made you the promise that each day I would put something on here, and I intend to keep that promise, no matter how tired or late or whatever might be the case. I just ask you the same. Don't blog, but just random stuff that pops into your head. Text me, write it down, take a picture, whatever you can - if only because I need more bonita!

Last thing I wanted to share with you before I hit the hay is about buses. My street constantly (as you may well remember) has buses running down it at all times of the day or night. The main bus (or maybe the only one since it's the only one I've ever seen on my street) is the Q58. It's the bus that I took for the first time to meet you at the airport, and the bus we took back to my house. Every time I see it I think about riding it with you. Every time I lay in bed and hear a bus go by I think about how my heart was going to beat out of my chest as I waited for you to come around that corner at the airport. I love you in so many ways it's hard for me to accurately explain. You are my beautiful heart bonita. I love you.

I wait patiently to discover a new way to convey just how wonderful you are...

The light we shine.

Some pictures from my days...

Two nights ago on Thursday I was walking to the train after work and pass what's called "New Museum". The building was beautiful as you can see...

Yesterday I went out walking to get some ideas and stumbled up this piece on a set of stairs. I fell in love with it immediately.

I settled upon sitting and watching this artist paint this beautiful piece.

It's where I was when I got the call from the airline. But really it is where I am inside that makes all the difference in the world. I feel the universe slowly coming together for me and I have never felt it as strongly as I do now.

Tonight, before it started to rain I took these pictures from just outside my front door. I was captivated by the way the light shown on the tree, the way the green so subtly and drastically changes it's shade.

But it's like my life is. I feel more certainly now than ever that there's so much more than what I am choosing to shine the light upon.

For another breath I save you my love...

Some music that reminded me of you

A reminder of life

So yesterday I shot (took pictures of) six kickball games. It's the second set of games that I've one for this company (NYCSSC) and I actually really like it. All the people that I've met so far that work for SSC are really cool and nice and super outgoing. And all the people playing (ages 21-30 mostly) all really get into it. It makes the games actually really fun to watch as everyone cheers and no one spouts negativity.

But last night I had to also go to the bar afterwards to take pictures as well. They have a bar "sponsor" each sport on the different nights. So after the games all the teams go to whatever bar it is and get hammer time. There were a shitload of people playing flip cup and just basically chugging beer. It was like walking into a frat party where everyone was wearing colorful team shirts. Super weird and not my scene at all (though ironically I was actually in a fraternity).

As I was taking pictures a young woman approached me and asked if I ever watched the show Heroes. As soon as the question left her mouth I knew where it was going - I've never seen the show, but for whatever reason I've had multiple people (including Charlie from receiving) tell me I look like Skylar - this guy:

I don't really see it aside from the thick ass black eyebrows, but whatever...

Anyways, the point was that I knew what she was going to infer, and so I smiled coyly and said no, but that I knew who Skylar was and that I've been told that before. We made small chit chat about the subject and then she was on her way to the bar to get a drink. A few moments passed and the girl reappeared, smiled at me and said something along the lines of the resemblance [to Skylar] was uncanny. It occured to me at that moment that she was flirting with me. I would be lying to say I wasn't flattered, not by the comparison to the celeb but by her flirtation towards me. She smiled and walked away. Soon after I finished taking my pictures and headed home.

It was as I was laying in bed going to sleep that I thought about the incident from the bar with the girl. It has been a while since I have been in a situation that I knew of flirting to be involved (I usually am unaware of it). And it made me feel good. But it also made me miss you. I started listening to my own breath and imagined that it was yours. I smelled your shirt as deeply as I could, and the scent you left behind upon it brought you into my arms (or at least I felt like you were close to me).

I guess I'm telling you this story because it made me miss holding you, touching you, feeling you. It made me miss just having you truly in my arms, your scent in my nostrils.

Anyways, I just thought I share the story. I spent my last moments awake just thinking about your breath,

Until the next note mi skirls...

Thoughts from an incomplete lover's' bed

I wish I could hold you in my arms as the rain pitter patters outside my window.
I listen to my heart thumping in my ears and feel your heart beating within me.
I miss the sound of your breath.

I Love you.

My Half -Week in review.

So just a few things running through my head before I go to bed. I shot those flag football games on Sunday night and wrote that bog about them. It's nothing much of an ado, but it's published on a website that isn't mine, and I got paid to do it. It was almost 4 hours of shooting (and 1,900+ photos) and about 2 hours editing and a couple hours thinking and writing. And to be honest I'm proud of it for my first real published work, no matter how insignificant it may seem to the world.

I'm not selling it to the New Yorker either. In fact, I'm not sharing it with anyone. But I want to share it with you. And I would be honored if you gave me your opinion on it, both the good and the bad (as there should be both =)

http://nycsocialsportsclub.com/index.php/action-weekly/flag-football/item/1344-flag-football-finer-footsteps.html

Also. I'm coming to Chicago to see you before the wedding. It doesn't make sense for you to go. Babe, if you could go for a few days it would cost significantly less. But bella, I understand why that's unfair to ask of you, and It's about the bigger picture. It's about a $100 cheaper for me to fly in to Chicago and take the train to Detroit. So I'm coming into town on Tuesday afternoon, June 5th, and staying until Thursday night, June 7th. I want to spend as much time with you and see you as much as I can while in town. I hope to make food for us one night.

Bonita, I love you. I know it's more than a month and a half away, but I'll be in Chicago for whatever moment of beauty you can share with me.

Yo te quiero mi cachonda novia

Until my next dream my love...

Something I caught on my way to a museum

So today is just going to be a video. I wanted to tell you all about the street fair that took place yesterday, but I have run out of steam and so I am cheating so-to-speak and putting up this video that I took on saturday at the Union Station subway stop.

This is the second time that I've seen this dance troop. They're absolutely amazing. It made my day, the way that I hope it makes yours.

Enjoy mi amore!

Until the next post...

Scared and needing a hug

So I know that I said that I would post once a day, but I figured that I shouldn't stop myself from posting something... It would just defeat the whole purpose of the blog!

The other thing I was thinking was that I think this bog will help me a great deal in opening up and sharing my life with you.I have come to realize that I'm one of those people who hates to make a big deal about their birthday but still like it when others do. That's kinda how I feel about the bad and sad parts of my life; I don't want to make a big deal about them and bring them up, but I still like it when I have an ear to bear all to. That's why writing to you like this should prove helpful!

Here we go...

So I'm a little freaked out about tonight, I have to go and what a 2.5 hour flag football game (well, multiple games) and take pictures of the people playing. I also have to take team pictures. It doesn't appear to be har, and I guess maybe that's what concerns me. I looked on the company's website at the other blog postings and it seems to be way too easy. Whenever something seems like it's free money I always get a little concerned.

The other reason that I am worried about tonight is that I am just barely half way towards what I need to come up with in rent money and bills. The work I was doing online was going great, but suddenly within the last three or four days there hasn't been any work available, meaning I haven't earned any money. And even when I do there's a few days before my work gets approved, then ten days waiting for it to post to my amazon account, then 4-5 days to transfer it into my bank account. So if I need to come up with the rest of rent money and get it out by the 30th that means that I have to earn it by the 16th at the latest. And yet there's no work to be had. So I really need this thing tonight to pan out. Even though I think it's only a maximum of $200 a month it would really help to alleviate the financial stress I feel.

That's part of why I'm freaking out in general. I've gone through all of my savings, I don't have a real job, and I'm behind the eight ball on bills. I should have just spewed all this stuff to you but I guess I both didn't know how and I didn't want to throw myself a pity party!

It's times like these that make me really regret leaving Chicago. Almost every moment do I regret doing so because of you, but the silver lining so-to-speak has always been the thought in the back of my head that I'm going to make it here. But I really sometimes feel like a failure, like a poser just half trying to make it and not really having the ju-ju to do so. I'm sorry for leaving you bonita. And I'm sorry to be leaning on you now. I cannot tell you how often just having you in my life lets me put my head down to rest at night, or plants a smile where there shouldn't be one at all. I just hope you can bare with my craziness and neurosci. If it makes you feel any better I'm the most crazy about you...

Until next time mi skirls...

A beginning in the middle of the story

So I created this blog for you and I Bonita. After our talk today I realized a couple of things. The first and perhaps most important is the reminder just how much I love you. You mean the world to me Bonita, and it is for that reason that I want you such to be such a large and involved part of my life.

The second thing that I realized was that you were absolutely right. Though there are indeed things that I wish were different in the way in which we communicate it is not as though I am without fault. When you shared with me that I could no longer write you letters I was disappointed, and I let my own feelings blind me to what you suggested - that I could still email you. I chalked it up as a loss, that I cannot write the same way on a computer as I am able to by hand. But the truth of the matter is that I at least need to try.

You're right Bonita. The big problem IS that I am thousands of miles away. And there is no one else to blame but me for making that how it is. But that is how it is. The only thing that we can do right now is try our best. I know how you long for me as I long for you in just the same way. Though I am to blame for the distance between us don't let it lead you to believe that I ache for you any less than you do for me. It's what brings me to this blog.

Each day I am going to post to this blog. No one in the world has the address to it, nor is it linked to anything else that I do. It is solely a platform for me to share everything that I can with you. Some days (sadly many more than I would like to admit to) it won't be all that interesting. Maybe a few pictures; maybe a video. Maybe just a story about mustaches. I really don't know

What I do know is how I want and need you in my life. And it starts with my own commitment to involving you as much as I can. Everything else is in the hands of the universe.

So this is to you Bonita. I dedicate this blog to us. I love you like crazy mi amore.

Until tomorrow...