Anyways, I was walking along - suddenly paying attention to the lyrics - and it made me think of you Bonita. I hope wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're wearing a smile.
I'm smiling just thinking about you, all the way from NYC. I hope you're doing well mi skirls.
i never hate that i'm writing. but when it comes to writing like this, i hate it.
why am i still here? why can't i just let you become a part of my forgotten past rather than my exalted one?
i almost broke my own rule tonight,. i sat and stared at your facebook profile - as it displayed on my cell phone - and dug like a fiend. i wanted to see and read everything i could about you. i knew that i needed more, my words no longer satiating.
but alas! all i was privy to was your new profile picture. no wall posts. no relationship status. no posts. and yet i stared. i stared at those skirls of yours. that smile that never fails to captivate me. i sat and stared and once again was bewitched.
why am i here?
it has come to a head. you have grown to such a proportion that you cannot possibly be as great as i know you to be. and yet i buy into you whole heartedly. i simply can't get you out of my head. and when you are i invite you in, with vigor.
i added new pictures to my "favourites" on my windows phone. doing so makes them appear randomly on the live tile for pictures. i like adding new ones - not new pictures that i've just taken, but new ones like the ones that i have just added. most of the pictures-- no... scratch that... all the pictures i add are ones that are my best. just seeing each one (and there are currently a dozen or two) cocks a smile onto my face for hours on end.
and this is why i write now.
just actually looking at this picture reminded me of happiness, unlike any other i've known.
maybe it's imagined. maybe it's real. maybe you aren't as great as i think you are...
So as I lay in bed this rainy morning it dawned on me that 99.9% of my posts to you lately have been centered around how much I miss you, love you, think about you, etc... And though those things may not only be true and quite relevant (since they seem to be quite common thoughts of mine), in the words of one of my morning Cathay managers: "ain't nobody got time for that!"
If I keep writing about the same old, blah blah blah stuff you're probably going to stop reading these(if you haven't yet already!).
So here's a return to the old, original reason for this blog. Here's a little bit of me and my days...
So I'm still trying to cut my own hair. I mean, I am cutting my own hair, just sometimes it looks a little funny for a few days. As it turns out, I am still super hairy.
...but with Neal's wedding only a month away, I think it's time to have a professional do it as my skills may not cut it (pun intended!).
I also recently rediscovered my love for corn on the cob. It is sooooooooooooooo, so, so, SO good!
Last Monday I started my new job with Air France, submitting my two week notice to BA on Thursday. It's really scary to start all over again, to go back into the unknown so-to-speak. I love BA, and I loved my job with BA. I love the people, the atmosphere, the passengers, everything. I woke up each and every morning - even if it was at 230am - smiling like a little kid, excited always to go to work. And every day that I left terminal 7 I left smiling. That's what makes leaving so hard. I wish that I didn't like my job. I wish that I disliked BA. It would have made leaving so much easier. But that's not the case, and so it is with a heavy heart that I once again leave something I love for what my gut tells me is the right decision.
With Air France I have the opportunity to speak French, to move up, and to get my foot into Paris. And so it is with AF that I now place my hopes and dreams.
I think it's good... It has inspired me artistically...
...and yes... those are real leaves!
The other morning I was riding the bus to work when I looked up from my book and saw this...
Since the bus I take to work (or the one I am SUPPOSED to take) is usually (always) filled with other people going to work, seeing an empty bus was a pretty strong indicator that I had gotten on the wrong bus!
But all was good. Since I leave for work an hour before I really have to (for instances just like this!) I still got there 40 minutes before my shift began.
That night at the boarding gate I tried to quickly and discretely pick a booger out of my nose. We had achieved AOB (All On Board) and so there wasn't anyone around except for my co-workers. I went in hard and fast. A little too hard and too fast. I think I scratched my brain, because immediately my nose started gushing blood. I ran to the bathroom, and took this picture =)
That's what's good. I hope that life is treating you well, Bonita. You're always in my thoughts and prayers
I even seem to see you when you aren't really there...
I don't know what's worse anymore: my loneliness not having you in my life, even if it's just to say hello; or if I were to have you, in such a limited way. Every time I pick up my phone I hope to see your name, to find a message or a call missed from you. And yet I know it would only devastate me.
It's hard to have the understanding that contact with you would be terrible. I don't mean terrible in the sense of bad, but terrible in the sense of prolonging. I hope that someday soon I can forget you.
And yet I haven't.
I let my mind wander, wander as I always have let it. And if I let enough time and thought pass, it inevitably comes back to you. What spell have you cast upon me Bella? How deeply and desperately you have bewitched me, enchanted me. What is wrong with me? Why have you so obviously moved on yet here I am, typing away in the remote hope that you will disregard what's best for you and for me and reach out to me. Maybe I hope that suddenly you will fall in love with me all over again. Or maybe I just hope that you are the one to crack, that you are the one to reach out and absolve me of responsibility for my heart.
I so desperately want you. I so honestly need you. I so constantly miss you.
When will I forget you? When will I stop thinking of you? When will you no longer haunt my dreams?
Will I ever awake from this nightmare, this life without you?
I awoke this morning with you on my mind. Your face and your voice were so real. It was as though you were laying in bed next to me. All I wanted was to reach out to you; to touch you. And it was then that I realized that you weren't next to me. It was then that I remembered that I no longer have you.
I wanted to text you, to call you, to reach out to you to see if you still exists; to see if you ever existed. Was it a dream? Could it have been that good? Could you have been that wonderful? Could I have really walked away from us?
I can't get you out of my mind Bonita. Everywhere I look I see you...
Everywhere I look I am reminded of you...
Today I took the train downtown to meet my mother and spend the morning with her before she flew back to Charleston. On the train there was a young couple caressing and kissing each other. It so violently reminded me of you I spent the entire ride nauseous and with my eyes closed; every time I looked at them I got sick to my stomach thinking about you. I literally had to shut my eyes to avert seeing them, to avert seeing you.
...only you live on the inside of my eye lids. I can't escape you...
I don't know what to do. It has been so long since you've been here in my life. And yet you still occupy the same parts of my head and heart that you always have.
Why can't I forget you... Why must my heart ache and bleed for you...
I love you Bella. I miss you now as ever, and I miss you now as I fear I always will...
