it is always the same thought.
it is always you, Bonita.
sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy. Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." what troubles me is not that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. In fact, I have done everything in my power to do as many things differently hoping for equally different results. I have tried to avoid thinking of you, tried to avoid reminders of you, even to abandon this blog - the outlet of my own heart. But what is crazy to me is that no matter what I try I still end up with the same result; I always come back to you.
it's like the universe is crazy, and my sanity is drowning me.
I try so desperately to forget my own past with you, but to abandon my own thoughts proves to be as futile as abandoning my own senses.
I unconsciously breathe you in; I drown in you. Without attempt I am submerged and plunged to the depths of the world. And it is you that surrounds me, that captures me, that enslaves me. You hold my heart captive without effort, without attempt, without knowing.
and what am I to do?
I've tried to drug you out of my system, hoping that I can simply replace you with the haziness of misery that can be found at the bottom of a bottle, the end of a joint, or the last spoonful of ice cream. Nothing distracts me, nothing satiates me, nothing.
and what can I do? Where do I go when there is nowhere to run from my own head, my own heart. Even as I type these words now I am well aware of how ludicrous it is to be so wholeheartedly infatuated with you, so drunk on you, so in love.
I no longer feel pain, I no longer feel sorrow, desire, despair, love, hate, fear, remorse.
I am empty. I feel no more. I just have that place in which you once dwelled in my life, that place you live in my heart.
I can't help myself. I dont want to hear your voice, I dont want to see your face. But I am haunted by you.
I have run out of ways to say it. I have lost new ways to expunge you from me. I am desperate to be separate from you, to forget what was.
but I am lost without you.
