The passion you inspire within me

A Christmas gift this morning...

Im sorry

I have love for you

Tonight you answered me. It's ok that you're moving on. It's ok that you love me but are no longer in love with me. It's ok that you're just trying to be happy.
I don't know if you truly no longer adore me or rather if you simply don't want to admit (to yourself or me) that you are. Yet it is clear that either way you wish not to. I get it bonita; I am here and you are there. It didn't work before in this situation so why should it work another time through?
I don't know. I don't know how or when I can or will come back to Chicago. All I know, all I can tell you, is that I feel it; I sense you in the depths of my soul.
So what does that mean? How can I have an expectation of a future with you when it seems so uncertain?! Truth be told I cannot. And that's not what I am in search of. In my gut and in my heart I simply feel like we COULD end up together. I am not changing my life for the purpose of being with you. I am simply walking with my eyes affixed upon you at the end of the path I travel. Maybe it is not to be. Maybe the universe conspires for something different for you, for me. If that is indeed the case then it is only because that is the way in which we will be most happy.
I need to know that you're open to this idea. That somewhere down the line you feel us together. If you don't it only means that I must walk my journey with my eyes closed and my soul screwed up towards the heavens.
I have one more favor to ask you. I have a little something I want to send you - just a couple of books. Would it be best to send to you at work or home?
I love you bonita. That is now and forever. No matter what path we may take in this world or the next, know that I will always carry you in my heart.
Yo te quiero mi skirls.

I need love; i know it

Exasperation is the word that I feel throughout my entire being this morning. I am completely perplexed as to why I am so devastatingly enamored with you. I understand the wonderful qualities and attributes that you possess, yet it is rather your faults and imperfections with which I am in love with. Though I often fondly recall times we've had together which im sure you have, what seems to command my adoration and reflection are the things I don't particularly care for about you, the things I am scared about concerning you, and the parts of me that need to be addressed.
It is beyond strange to know love through fears and negatives the way I also understand it with you. I love you both for the things I like and the things I don't.
Ultimately I believe this to be a major contributing factor as to why I am so passionately and devoutly committed to you. It pains me as I hope you'll never know that there is someone else who is with you, touching you, holding you, no matter the permanence of the situation. I want to be the one for you.

When I asked you the other night when you felt as though you were/are a woman, you shared with me that you weren't sure; you confessed that you still feel in many ways like a girl.
I understand this completely. It was with you that I felt like a man for the first time, and it is for you that I have become a man. I wont come back to Chicago without my career fully in hand and grasp because that's not part of my plan, my future. In ordered to be loved we must first love ourselves. How can I expect you to be happy with me when I am not happy with me? If I were to move back to Chicago without my career I fear that someday I would resent you for it. In order for me to be the rock of stability which you so richly reserve I need to continue to grow into the man I feel myself to be destined to be.
It is in this same breath that I announce my intent with you, all of you. I need you to continue to grow into the woman I know you to be. I've known love without individual internal stability and it was a love destined for devastation. Our love is not such a love. We must continue to become the people our fates destine us to be. We must continue to work on being a man and being a woman in order to become us.
As I reflect on our history with one another I am made more and more aware of how I have shied away from the tougher questions about you and I, both in addressing them with you and within. For the first time I am confident in knowing that I want you fully commit to a future, which inevitably involves your son and your mother among others. I've told you of my desire to know Anthony, not necessarily now but eventually. No longer do I succumb to the fear of his disapproval, but I embrace the idea of loving him through my love of you.
Keeping all joking aside, I want to meet Maria. I want to meet her with vocational success and clear intent and passion directed towards and inspired by you; I want her to know the man I am in my step, the passion you inspire in my voice, and my adoration of you in my eye.
I am not asking you to commit to me but rather to commit to yourself. I need you to continue to work towards the things you want and the dreams you have. I ask you for to do it for me, but more importantly I ask you to do it for you. I don't know when or how I will be able to return to Chicago, I simply know that I will be. This is why I don't want you to throw away your present for.your future. I want nothing more than to be your novio, yet I understand why I may not be right now.
I just need to know that you feel what I feel you do. I need you to tell me merely once that you love me still. Then I can know that what I champion is not a farce, and im many ways will be able to.be a part of your life rather than trying to be more than that. Tell me your heart still screams my name and I can know our future.
If you cannot, then I will leave you be. My heart thirsts for you, but if you see no future at all in us then I can no longer continue to slowly poison it.
I love you bonita. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know ny life is with you. And I just need to know that somewhere deep down you feel it too.

Rememberance of the beauty

This morning I was once again blessed with waking up to find my green light blinking from you. To begin my day with your memory in my heart and your words in my eyes is to begin my day with sunshine.
It elates me to read of you knowing your fill in boyfriend yet devastates me to understand that he exists in the first place.
I cannot change what is done, I can only champion after than which my heart cherishes.
I know I have bombarded you in a variety of correspondence mediums, and to say that I will text or call or blog you as much as I have since the "12s" is simply to perpetuate deception; there will come a point where you will begin to bore with that why I say and do (which is often - as you are more than aware - a broken records of my adoration of you).
But I will spew forth my heart with every breath until then.
I once told you of my fear that you would tire of my seemingly endless and often repetitive expression of my love, infatuation, respect, and desire of you. And in some ways I am aware of how the more we encounter things, the more usual they become. Do not mistake my love for simply the normal.
I want to tell you that just the thought of you brings emotion to my eyes, skips to my heart, and curvature to my lips.
In you I know love.
I love you bonita.

An early morning thought...

I woke up smiling today thinking about you.

A goofy kind of smile

12.12.12 will always have a special meaning and memory for me. I know that you believe in coincidence, at least as 12.12.12 is concerned. But the universe tends to unforld the way it should. I am reminded of the story of my father and Barb.

When he was 17, my father dated a 15 year old named Barb. They dated briefly, only for a few months if my memory serves me properly. It was puppy love as ever puppy love has been.

When he was in his early 30s, my father again dated Barb. This time it was after their first mariages, repectively, each one now with a son. The romance ended quite abruptly, with Barb bouncing a beer bottle off of my father's Camaro.

As my father told me this story, he shared with me his experiences of the heart.

"Kyle, I've been in love twice in my life. The first time was the first time I held you in my arms. The second was Barb."

Barb and my father did not speak to nor see each other for the next thirty years. It was at the age of 62 that my father found Barb, the second love of his life, back in his world.

I think everything happens for a reason, even if we don't see it or understand it initially. I needed to leave Chicago, maybe it was for the opportunity I felt I would have in New York. Or maybe it was simply that I needed to lose you before I could fully know how much I love you. No matter what the reason, I find myself in the position to further myself and my life, giving it further push towards where and what I want it to be.

In order for me, for us, to have a life filled with happiness it is imperative that we acheive the things which we feel our hearts pulling us towards. As much as I love and adore you, I cannot and will not return to Chicago in the near future, as far as I can forsee. But DO NOT misunderstand that as I am not coming back. If you are in Chicago then I will be in Chicago. I will fight for you. I will fight for us.

I love you Bonita.