the 62...

So here they are, in no particular order. The list of my favourites about you...


your smile
your skirl cheeks
the way you say say skirl instead of squirrel
the way you get so excited when you're telling a story
your butt
the way you kiss
the way you holdmy hand
how cute you look in the morning
the way you speak
how you like your hair pulled
the way you sweat like me when we have sex
the way you turn me on
the way you paw at martine when you want to, even at McDonalds
your eyes
the way you're a mother, a good mother
how fresh you are
the way you're a freak with me
the way you share your affection and attrraction to me no matter where we are
how you like to see lots of milkies
the way you put so much effort into looking good for me
our naps
the way you hold me
the way you let me hold you
your sense of humor
the way I feel warm and fuzzy thinking about you
your laugh
that you eat whatever food I give or make you
that you don't mind that we often times do simple things rather than the extravagant
the way that everything we do together turns out to be fun
that you have a "K" name
the way you giggle when I speak broken spanglish to you
the way you turn me on
the way you don't judge me
the way you make me feel like a man
your breasts
the way you look at me
the way you bite me
the way you let me grab you
the way you accept my oddities and eccentricities
Vivian
that you do things because you knowI like them
the way you swallow my milkies
how you dress
your butt (it deserves to be mentioned twice)
they way you don't mind that I'm so hairy
the inside jokes we share
the way electricity courses through my veins when you touch me
how genuine you are
that you're weird like me
that you like gross stuff
how soft and afeminine you can be
the way you smell
the maps you draw on me
the music that reminds you of me
your patience with me
the way you support me even though you may not fully understand
how good you make me feel about myself
how proud i am to have you in my life and on my arm
how beautiful you are
the way you love my imperfections
the way you talk
your body - all of it

But maybe most of all, my favourite thing about you is the way you love me.

Living in my head

I thought it would be easy to be over you. I thought that because we had such distance between us, both in miles and in the way we were towards the end, that it would be an easy task to continue living without you. But alas, I cannot. I think about you all the time. I still take pictures of those ugly expensive shoes with the gold circle thing on the toes. I still think about riding the Q58 bus with you home from the airport every time it passes my window. I still think of your laugh, your smile, your touch.

I knew that my love would never change, but what I didnt know was that neither would my passion for you, my enamoration with you, and my thoughts of you. You are a resident in my head and in my heart, and for how long I really dont know.

Why do I type all this now? Why type it at all? I dont know. All i want to do is text and call you and tell you how much i love and miss you, how wonderful i think you are. I want to hear about your day, about crazy Maria, about the loonies at your tio's office. I want to speak broken spanish to you, to make you laugh that goofy laugh that like the rest of you captured my heart.

I know in the end it is the best like this. That you deserve to be happy. And it's clear that I was no longer making you. A big part of me writes this now hoping that you will read my words, just to know that I ache in the way that you always thought I didn't. My heart breaks every time I think about you, every time your picture pops up on my phone or that song ("...leave some morphine at my door...") plays (which the bar I work at seems to fucking play all the god damn time!!).

So here it is... 7-19. a year ago almost to the day was I blessed to begin to have you in my life. And though I now ache in a way I have never known, I am a better person for having you in my life. You made me feel good about myself in  way that no one ever has even approached, and so every pang that I feel, every sob my heart suffers only reminds me of how a good woman once wanted me in her life.

I love you Bonita, and though I know you might never read these words of mine again, I wish you nothing but the best and happiness that you truly deserve.

Happy birthday mi skirls...