The slipping away of rationality

I'm not really sure how to start this blog post off, so I guess anyplace is as good as another. For years I lived on this earth as a liar. In almost everything I did, in some way or another, I lied to not only those around me but also to myself. Sometimes it would be big lies, like when I lied to my family about school and concealed the fact that I had actually failed out. Other times it would be small lies, about brushing my teeth or what time I would be places. No matter what the lie or the deception was about, it was always the same; I was not a good person for many reasons, but most simply because I lived a life that was so full of deceit.

You texting me last night was not in and of itself odd; it seems that as of late that is how things exist between you and I - I text you sweet dreams and goodnight and either get a response hours later or none at all. But it was when you mentioned that Anthony had thrown your phone under the bed, and consequently that you didn't find it this morning, that my suspicions were planted. Since our "regular routine" has become that which text messages timed as they were last night is not unusual I initially thought nothing of it. But if you had lost your phone until this morning then how could you have texted me last night? And since as long as I have known you your phone has been locked with a password it seems highly unlikely that someone else would have texted me from your phone, especially to wish me a good night.

It enraged me even more when you explained that You had texted me "hi babe" while at the gym. When I asked you why you would have wished me a good night at 730 from the gym you simply replied that you were getting on the bus and would look into your phone to check it out. When we spoke again you explained that you did indeed text me hello while at the gym, but that there was no other message wishing me a good night. Since we have gotten off the phone with one another my mind has been racing as to possible reasons for the rogue text, but I cannot seem to come up with a logical answer. The only reasonable thing that I could see may have happened would be that your phone somehow resent a message that you had previously sent me. The only thing is that this too is not possible, as the spelling error in the message was one that struck me as odd, one that you had never made before - meaning that it couldn't have been a prior message resent.

This all may be crazy, a hug misunderstanding. And truly I hope it is. But it's just compounding the issues that I am currently embattled with concerning you. It seems like it is fast becoming a one way street in terms of involvement in each other's lives. Increasingly does it seem like messages go unanswered, pictures go without response. How is it that we are seemingly in the middle of a text conversation and suddenly you disappear? I get that life happens, that maybe you get busy at work or your phone dies or whatever. What bothers me is that hours later you text me anew as though I had sent you nothing. Yesterday this happened twice. Again, maybe it's that you aren't receiving my messages, and if that's the case then I'm saddened that errors in technology are driving these negative feelings. Sadly, I don't think this is the case.

I posted a video for you on google, one that is not necessarily one that I want floating out on the internet somewhere. I wanted to share myself with you, especially since you were forced to throw away the things I've given you. And even though I shared this information with you, both that I posted something for you and that it was something that I really want to make sure went to you, you have yet to confirm with me that it did get sent to you properly. I am led to believe that you have yet to check it. When I asked you about this yesterday you simply didn't respond, nor did you respond to when I told you that we were talking about you, or to the picture of Ro cutting my hair. I don't need feedback on everything that I do or send to you, but it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge that I am involving you as I am.

A couple days ago, after I posted a blog entry to this blog, it returned me back to my "dashboard" as it usually does. But on that day I noticed a string of zeros next to my blog posts. There were two rows, one with an envelope on top of it and another with some sort of box and squiggly line. Initially I couldn't figure out what they were. it wasn't until I hovered over them with my mouse that it explained. One row was for comments left on each blog post, the other was for times that each blog post had been viewed.

"That can't be right," I thought to myself, "she's for sure read the first two that I posted as she even commented to me on it." And then I scrolled down. Next to the first post it showed a view count of "1", next to the second blog post it showed a view count of "2", while the rest of them all boasted zeros.

As I thought about it I realized that you haven't since mentioned anything that I've posted for you to the blog. I don't want to believe that you haven't taken the time to catch up on my life, but in my heart of hearts I fear this may be the reality. What sweet irony that I pen all of these things out to you and you may not even be reading them.

I don't want to have another conversation with you about involving me in your life. I don't want to have it because I fear that you will again take it as a personal attach rather than my attempt to talk about something that's an issue with me.

Relationships, or at least the best ones, are about give and take, about sacrifice and compromise. I know that you have been essentially forced to sacrifice for our relationship because I chose to move away. And I will never forget that. But please remember that I sacrifice in this way too, It's just as hard for me not to have you as a more regular part of my life. And that's one of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I want you to be as big of a part of my life as you can be. It's why I send you pictures of the random things in my life. But why is it that you cannot reciprocate this kind of effort? I'm not asking you to involve me in the same ways in which I try to involve you. But babe, please try.

You can't skype with me or receive packages or mail from me because of your living situation. You can't come to visit often because of your life and jobs, both as mother and nurse. You can't join me at my cousin's wedding and meet 10 of the most important people in my life all at once. These things and others I don't don't just get, but I also accept as part of the package. Yeah, they suck, but it's part of the deal. And that deal is to have you in my life, and for that I would trade so much more. But what hurts is that I don't feel the effort on your part. You cannot tell me that in a week of 168 hours you don't have time to take a picture or two of whatever you're doing without solicitation. I'm frustrated with this feeling that I am putting forth the majority of effort.

You once told me that sometimes you forget to text me when you wake up or before you go to sleep. Maybe that's the problem. I don't have to remember to do these things because you're the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing in my head before I go to sleep.

Bonita, I love you to tears, and I just don't know how else to tell you. I didn't write all of this because I wanted to make you feel bad. I am telling you all of this because it's things that are going on in my head. I really do hope that the phone thing is a crazy technical error. I hope that when my messages go without response that they were simply never delivered. I hope that the view count on blogger is inaccurate. But even as I type these things my heart worries that they aren't all the case. What worries me most is that you simply don't care enough to follow up with me, or that I am just not that big of a priority to you.

I don't know what else to say. Call me and tell me I'm crazy. Text me that you love me and that it's just my imagination.

I tried to leave you in Chicago, and my heart wouldn't let me. We decided together that somehow, some way we would make this work. Bonita, I didn't want to let you in this deep, but I couldn't help it. And now that you are I need you, my heart needs you. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

I love you bonita.