I don't know what's worse anymore: my loneliness not having you in my life, even if it's just to say hello; or if I were to have you, in such a limited way. Every time I pick up my phone I hope to see your name, to find a message or a call missed from you. And yet I know it would only devastate me.
It's hard to have the understanding that contact with you would be terrible. I don't mean terrible in the sense of bad, but terrible in the sense of prolonging. I hope that someday soon I can forget you.
And yet I haven't.
I let my mind wander, wander as I always have let it. And if I let enough time and thought pass, it inevitably comes back to you. What spell have you cast upon me Bella? How deeply and desperately you have bewitched me, enchanted me. What is wrong with me? Why have you so obviously moved on yet here I am, typing away in the remote hope that you will disregard what's best for you and for me and reach out to me. Maybe I hope that suddenly you will fall in love with me all over again. Or maybe I just hope that you are the one to crack, that you are the one to reach out and absolve me of responsibility for my heart.
I so desperately want you. I so honestly need you. I so constantly miss you.
I love you Bonita.
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