If not now, when...?

When will I forget you? When will I stop thinking of you? When will you no longer haunt my dreams?

Will I ever awake from this nightmare, this life without you?

I awoke this morning with you on my mind. Your face and your voice were so real. It was as though you were laying in bed next to me. All I wanted was to reach out to you; to touch you. And it was then that I realized that you weren't next to me. It was then that I remembered that I no longer have you.

I wanted to text you, to call you, to reach out to you to see if you still exists; to see if you ever existed. Was it a dream? Could it have been that good? Could you have been that wonderful? Could I have really walked away from us?

I can't get you out of my mind Bonita. Everywhere I look I see you...

Everywhere I look I am reminded of you...

Today I took the train downtown to meet my mother and spend the morning with her before she flew back to Charleston. On the train there was a young couple caressing and kissing each other. It so violently reminded me of you I spent the entire ride nauseous and with my eyes closed; every time I looked at them I got sick to my stomach thinking about you. I literally had to shut my eyes to avert seeing them, to avert seeing you.

...only you live on the inside of my eye lids. I can't escape you...

I don't know what to do. It has been so long since you've been here in my life. And yet you still occupy the same parts of my head and heart that you always have.

Why can't I forget you... Why must my heart ache and bleed for you...

I love you Bella. I miss you now as ever, and I miss you now as I fear I always will...