I work tomorrow morning at 515. It's a five hour shift, and with laundry and a trip to the dentist on my plate for the day my time from now until I leave for Chicago should be uneventful and pass quickly; the time since I've decided to come and now has flown by.
This surprises me. I thought that the time between when I decided to come see you and when I would actually be leaving/arriving would drag. I imagined that it would seem like time was merely crawling along as I am beyond excited to see you. I just assumed I would feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning to arrive.
In fact, time is flying. And I'm scared to death.
What if I get to Chicago and I see you and it's weird? What happens if I get there and it's clear you know longer love me? What about if I don't even get to see you again?
There are so many possibilities that could occur on Wednesday, and seemingly so many of them could have detrimental consequences for me. I haven't felt this exposed and vulnerable in quite a long time, and quite simply it petrifies me.
So why am I coming to Chicago? Why am I putting myself so far out there and risking the health and well being of my heart? How clearly deranged must I be to get on a plane to fly back to where I just may be devastated once again?
It is only for you. I know there's a good change I'll be heartbroken again on Wednesday. But what if I'm not? Just the slim chance of seeing you smile, holding your hand and tasting your lips makes me come to you.
I'm scared Bonita. I'm scared to be hurt. But all that fear is worth it just to see you smile, just to smell you, just to feel you next to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment