How my heart pulls at me. It has been but two days, and even the lack of a message from you tears away at me. It is both a reflection of my own neurosis and lack of ego, and how desperately I crave you. When I said you were my drug I meant it more genuinely than you could ever know.
Is it unreasonable to want you constantly? What if you are, consciously or subconsciously, keeping yourself from me. What if you're holding back because you don't want to be hurt again, because you don't know (fully believe) that I'm coming back for you? Maybe it's easier for you to hold back how you truly feel about me, how you desire and need the way I do. Perhaps you're protecting yourself, and maybe it won't be until I actually come back to you that you will trust me with your heart again.
That's ok. I will wait for you. I know you're scared about something as crazy as us, just like I am. It's ludicrous to think that passion and love like what we share actually exists. It does. I know it because I feel it.
I have to be honest with you Bonita... When I first began to fight for you back, part of me hoped that you would be the one to walk away. I was almost dependant upon it as I feared how I felt. I was scared that I might actually be faced with the decision if I was actually coming back for you, if I actually loved you like I said and thought I did. I was worried that once again I had encountered love that I was too scared to fully submit to, to completely surrender myself to. Through it all, the love was too strong, I cared about you too much.
I've given in. I can't simply think I love you, or feel that I love you, but know I do. I don't know if you and I will live to a hundred together. I don't know if I came back and we couldn't make us happen. What I have faith in is that we need to try. You and I are too good together.
I seem to often be telling you of how I will be back, I just can't tell you when. That's the God's honest truth. I won't come back to you without my life and career in hand. I am no good to you nor I if I come back without my life in order. What you also need to know is that I am actively working on getting back to you. I'm coming.
Many times before - since our split - I have asked you to share how you feel about me, that you still love me or that [to some extent] you still need me. Those are unfair things to ask you to share with me, and I am truly sorry for having asked those admissions of vulnerability from you. However, I do need to know that there is something still there. I need you to share at some level about what you think, where your head's at. Do you still want me? Are you scared of us? Or have you simply lost everything you once felt for me?
love never fails.
I love you Bonita.
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