Exasperation is the word that I feel throughout my entire being this morning. I am completely perplexed as to why I am so devastatingly enamored with you. I understand the wonderful qualities and attributes that you possess, yet it is rather your faults and imperfections with which I am in love with. Though I often fondly recall times we've had together which im sure you have, what seems to command my adoration and reflection are the things I don't particularly care for about you, the things I am scared about concerning you, and the parts of me that need to be addressed.
It is beyond strange to know love through fears and negatives the way I also understand it with you. I love you both for the things I like and the things I don't.
Ultimately I believe this to be a major contributing factor as to why I am so passionately and devoutly committed to you. It pains me as I hope you'll never know that there is someone else who is with you, touching you, holding you, no matter the permanence of the situation. I want to be the one for you.
When I asked you the other night when you felt as though you were/are a woman, you shared with me that you weren't sure; you confessed that you still feel in many ways like a girl.
I understand this completely. It was with you that I felt like a man for the first time, and it is for you that I have become a man. I wont come back to Chicago without my career fully in hand and grasp because that's not part of my plan, my future. In ordered to be loved we must first love ourselves. How can I expect you to be happy with me when I am not happy with me? If I were to move back to Chicago without my career I fear that someday I would resent you for it. In order for me to be the rock of stability which you so richly reserve I need to continue to grow into the man I feel myself to be destined to be.
It is in this same breath that I announce my intent with you, all of you. I need you to continue to grow into the woman I know you to be. I've known love without individual internal stability and it was a love destined for devastation. Our love is not such a love. We must continue to become the people our fates destine us to be. We must continue to work on being a man and being a woman in order to become us.
As I reflect on our history with one another I am made more and more aware of how I have shied away from the tougher questions about you and I, both in addressing them with you and within. For the first time I am confident in knowing that I want you fully commit to a future, which inevitably involves your son and your mother among others. I've told you of my desire to know Anthony, not necessarily now but eventually. No longer do I succumb to the fear of his disapproval, but I embrace the idea of loving him through my love of you.
Keeping all joking aside, I want to meet Maria. I want to meet her with vocational success and clear intent and passion directed towards and inspired by you; I want her to know the man I am in my step, the passion you inspire in my voice, and my adoration of you in my eye.
I am not asking you to commit to me but rather to commit to yourself. I need you to continue to work towards the things you want and the dreams you have. I ask you for to do it for me, but more importantly I ask you to do it for you. I don't know when or how I will be able to return to Chicago, I simply know that I will be. This is why I don't want you to throw away your present for.your future. I want nothing more than to be your novio, yet I understand why I may not be right now.
I just need to know that you feel what I feel you do. I need you to tell me merely once that you love me still. Then I can know that what I champion is not a farce, and im many ways will be able to.be a part of your life rather than trying to be more than that. Tell me your heart still screams my name and I can know our future.
If you cannot, then I will leave you be. My heart thirsts for you, but if you see no future at all in us then I can no longer continue to slowly poison it.
I love you bonita. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know ny life is with you. And I just need to know that somewhere deep down you feel it too.
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