So here it is.
So here we are. Or maybe it's just there we were. I don't know what has led us to this moment, though perhaps it was fated. I've felt the change between us for the last few months: the lack of involvement with each other's events and going ons, the disappearance of communication, the death of intimacy. Maybe it was the way I perceived things, or maybe it was just the way it became. No matter why the turn of our fortunes, it was and is clear that we were no longer active members in each other's lives.
What I am left to wonder is what may have been. Would it have been different if I stayed in Chicago only to leave eventually to Paris rater than moving to New York first? Could we have struggled through the next few months until you attained freedom and I financial leeway? I can't help but let my mind wonder to all the places that you reach within me, to look to what may have been.
The truth is that in my heart of hearts I knew a change was needed. Though it was not my intent to end things between us I knew that a change was needed for my own happiness. It killed me that I was a secret to so many people in your life, that the idea of you an I was never embraced wholeheartedly. I don't for an instant blame you or anyone for this as I am well aware that it was simply by necessity and spot in life, but nonetheless it killed me not to be able to mail you things, to post to your facebook, to skype, or to meet your mother. And though it was simply a matter of being unable to do so, it broke my heart that you couldn't come and be with me at my cousin's wedding, to meet my family and those that you share my heart with.
But these are all things irrelevant now. And I say them in the same breath as knowing that I too am not without fault of my own. I don't know that you would have ever forgiven me for moving to New York, nor that you should have, short of me returning to your arms in Chicago. And as strongly as your heart is rooted (for good reason) in Chicago mine is so too committed to getting to Paris.
In the end I wonder if we had had more time together, if only to simply develop our relationship, could we have survived a move. Though I don't plan to not come back to Chicago I also simply don't see it a part of my future, or at least not my next stop after New York. The toughest thing to consider was that if I did indeed move back to Chicago it would be for you, and we simply didn't have enough of a foundation to outweigh the sacrificing of my Parisian dream.
The one thing I want you to take away from all of this is the unwavering of my heart and adoration for you. Bonita, I love you to tears, and though that may be unfair to remind or repetitive to state yet again it does not detract an iota from the truth of the matter. Never in my life have I met someone as amazing and wonderful as you. I have always thought that happiness comes from within, but with you it is so much easier to perceive. You made me feel good about myself, and though it may not be a very significant notion to you, I can only tell you the bare truth that it means more to me in the world than you may ever know. I've never known someone to love me the way you did, that made me feel like no matter what I do and who I am that you love me, the core of me, and that it was something I could never shake. Perhaps that's why now I lean on that for you to understand why I am headed out east rather than returning west. It is who I am.
There are a couple of good things about our new situation with one another... I didn't have to change my facebook relationship status, I likely will be spared running into you around town, and I can stop worrying about how and when I'm going to get across the country - if even only for a night.
Sadly, as you may know, these things come nowhere near to comparing to what it is that I already miss... Every word in Spanish, every telemundo phrase, every Aventura lyric, and every jabon sign - all of which my neighborhood and life are FILLED with - immediately plant you in the forefront of my thoughts. Every time I take a shower the scars on my back remind me of the passion we shared together. Every other thought you continue to dominate, whether I am willed against it or not. I already miss the way you get so excited telling a story that it trips up your words, the way you laugh and giggle awkwardly at times, the way you say squirrel. I could go on forever, yet it would only prove to prolong the anguish of writing the things of you that I already miss.
Bonita, you are one of the most special and wonderful and beautiful people to have ever blessed me by being a part of my life. When I say that you have, now and forever, possessed my heart it is not merely to give you lip service but to convey the depths of love and happiness that you have inspired within me. There are two things I now pray for you: that you find the happiness and peace you so richly deserve, and that you never forget the way in which you captured and inspired my heart almost from the moment I met you. I love you.
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